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Catty [déc. 18e, 2007|10:38 am]
[Current Location |home]
[Humeur actuelle |coldcold]
[Musique actuelle |dogs barking]

Christmas always makes me incredibly depressed. It's not the weather actually. It's the issues of money, friendship, and loneliness that weigh me down. In this journal, I've written about many things. But mainly how I feel rejected by people that I've called friends. It's mainly one group of them who are my age, but who I thought mattered to me most. They're all home from school, and all of them go to school in Baltimore or Richmond. They never seem to answer the phone, or call me back, or send me a reply on facebook. So, a friend of mine Mica called me Sunday night inviting me to see her perform some songs. She told me to call all of our other friends, and get them to come too. So, I call one of them, and tell her to spread the message. Monday night comes, I get off of work and go to this place where my friend is playing, but I'm late. So, as I'm pulling up to where the place is located, I see all the highschool gang reunited on the street. I pull over, and walk up to them. No one really says "hey, nice to see you!", just a wave and those scenester grunted "hi's". This is what going to an arts school does to I presume. So, one of them says we're going to her place. We meet up there, and the boys go off somewhere. Just the girls and I talking. All of them ignored me except for one. Then the boys showed up, and I was still ignored. If ever there was a possible way to be invisible, that was it. There were 7 of us. 2 of the boys left, and I felt like I should go. Something wasn't right to me, I felt punished, almost sick to my stomach. The person who mattered most to me, didn't even say goodbye. She ignored that I existed, and as I closed the door behind me, and proceeded to walk down the stairs she said "he's so feminine. i just never realized that before. i don't think he's actually gay though. it's weird. but seriously, he acts just like a woman." all of them proceeded to laugh, that type of laughing that you hold in until someone's left the room. To think that I almost moved to Baltimore solely for them. Because I felt they were such good friends. In highschool, I had gone through this so many times before. I figured I was over it by now. But no, it's still painful. At least I know I have friends. True friends that aren't fake, but are truthful and don't guise themselves as being anything other than what they are. I'm thankful for a family that loves me, despite my lies and imperfections. For a mother and father who give me financial support despite my disagreements with them about life in general. To a brother and sister who care for me. Sweet the sting I guess.
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my three dreams in one night. [déc. 9e, 2007|11:00 am]
[Current Location |the 9th wave]
[Humeur actuelle |Strange]
[Musique actuelle |Sujfan Stevens/Tori Amos]

Had a lesson at Towson with Gran Wilson, he said after out lesson that he'd be more than happy to take me as his student. Turns out, I don't suck vocally after all. It's the time of dreams and wishes, with the cold weather bringing everyone indoors. I had these three dreams last night, I wonder what they mean. My dreams tend to be inbetween the balance of nightmare and depressing story of failed relationship. Thats when I remember them.


It seems as if I was apart of some program,
internship, or summer program. There were several
people in a student body like atmosphere, and I see
someone that I'd met from BASOTI. His name is Ian,
he's a "bear" to the fullest. Tall, very hairy, and
chubby. For some reason, we started talking, and this
lead to us kissing. Suddendly, I heard on the overhead
system "all boys report to the gym".
----bleed into next dream after I wake up for a
minute, then fall back into sleep----

II. While in the gym, I see some of my friends from
highschool. There's some type of assembly going on. A
political party that no one agrees with. The students
where I am have started to make a lot of noise by
scraping their metal chairs against the floor while
moving back. Then I see him. This boy, who makes me
stand still and look at him. He smiles at me, and we
slowly inch torward each other amidst this assembly.
He had blue gray eyes like the atlantic in winter, and
dark brown hair, with smooth skin. He was tall, with
pale skin, and a warm body. We talked and went back to
one of the rooms. We looked at each other and started
kissing, a type of natural reaction of privacy. Then I
remember being in bed in same room as he, but there
were a lot of people in beds around me. His bed was
two beds down. So I felt myself smiling, and I got up
and crawled on the floor toward his bed. When I looked
up to where his head was laid, he was smiling at me.
So I slipped under his covers and wrapped my legs
around him. People started waking up and asking what
he was doing, and he said "nothing". We seperated to
do daily things, and were back in this gym. I saw him,
but there were too many people to reach him fast, then
many left and I saw his body on the floor. Then I only
saw his legs as doll parts. It started to cause my
heart to palpitate, so I looked for him. I found his
soul, but a girl was keeping it. She was blind, and
had his body in her hands. She started laughing, and
let his soul out of the body. I pushed her, and his
body fell from her hands, and when it hit the floor it
was nothing but toy axes and armour. I picked them up
in my hand and felt ridiculous, raw, hopeless.
----wake up------ drift back in---

This last dream is the most unusual. My aunt Leotha
has a daughter who lives in Atlanta. I dreamed that I
was visiting her daughter and she in her daughters
home. It was apparently common for them to sit out on
the porch, with a yard that was obviously deep in an
urban developement. About 8 of my family members and I
were outside. A man started to walk toward us, and one
of my cousins said "it's one of them! he's crazy!" and
we all started running toward the door. I was the last
one in, so I locked the door. As everyone hid, I went
into another room in front of the door, and locked it
behind me as I saw a little girl hide. The man busted
through the doors, I was hiding in a great big chair,
but turned around and made noise. He put his gun in my
direction, but the little girl bolted up and he gunned
her down. I don't remember seeing her face, only her
legs and body zooming down toward the floor. After, I
ran straight out of a side door to outside. I ran all
around this house, there were apartment buildings on
either side. I called my aunt Leotha, with no answer.
I ran down to the highway which turned into a city
street, it seemed to be eve. No one looked normal. I'd
want to ask for help, but as soon as I looked at
someone deeply, I could see they were possessed. So, I
called my dad and tried to explain what was going on,
but he lost my signal. Then I ran back to the house,
and called 911 thinking "why hadn't I done this
originally?". The operator didn't act as though she
were one. When I told her what happened, she said "but
you're the one who's violent." and I asked "but how
can I be? What did I do in order to be violent?". She
started to say something but I lost her signal. Then I
continued to walk around trying to find a way to get
out. Then, I received a text message from someone
talking about their weekend.
----finally awake-------

I woke up feeling very strange. It felt as if days had
passed. Like my soul is trying to say something to me.
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It's been such a long time. [juil. 11e, 2007|11:32 am]
[Musique actuelle |The foggy city]

Oh how I've abandoned thee my love. So much has happened in the past 4 months. There are times when it feels as though 10 years have passed. I've burned through a teacher, rode on a plane 6 hours, and realized that internet dating just doesn't work out. No how matter how hard I try, James Taylor seems to be erasable from my consciousness. Perhaps it's a plague I've been given to learn several lessons from. I write all of those from my residence hall in San Fran. Living in the city has been very interesting. I now know my way around the city, only ride in public transport, and have discovered that gay san francisco is kinda pretentious. The peers in my program are interesting. I knew that it'd be hard, but I didn't know what type of weakness would surface from all of this. I've discovered that in order to shield myself and cover my insecurities, I surround myself with a hard shell. Without even knowing it. So, all of these trances I put myself into, I've had to undo while being here. Rehearsals are non-stop. There's an immense amount of pressure, and singing Mozartean roles is never entirely easy. I guess what's so strange, is the immense loniless that can cloud over your head when you're thousands of miles away from your family and sometimes (friends). Through the exhaustion of rehearsal, excitement of being onstage, and eagerness to learn (also the frustation with your peers telling you how they feel about your voice and giving you new rep suggestions), you crawl in bed at night with your strange korean roomate. And suddenly, you feel so lonely, and so unwanted, also confused. But it's apart of being an artist, being an opeartic musician. The struggle has to be, otherwise you'd take it for granted. I seriously miss the East Coast. I feel seperated. But alas, in 3 more weeks, I will be reunited.
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Life... ah life. [fév. 27e, 2007|12:28 pm]
[Humeur actuelle |calmcalm]
[Musique actuelle |Grizzly Bear- Yellow house]

Life has been interesting these past months. I look back on my journal here, and wonder if I'm the same person. Who writes bad poetry and whines and bitches about life excessively. OH well, now I'm enjoying a bout of good luck. Finally. BASOTI accepted me, and now I can't stop talking
about it. It means a lot to me, because it's helped me heal myself emotionally, from thinking that I have no talent. That's changed significantly though. There are more recitals and concerts planned for April/May, and it feels good to not be stagnant musically. What's more difficult is trying to decide what I want to do about next year. Do I want to transfer Mid-Year? Do I want to stay and go to VCU? Do I want to try to transfer around my friends? (i.e. NYC, or Baltimore.)
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Hip hop meets improv opera [juil. 31e, 2006|04:10 am]
[Musique actuelle |Sutherland-Lucia mad scene]

Bel Canto - A Hip Hop Opera


It's pretty interesting. I can detect which arias she uses in the improv though...
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Hah [mai. 21e, 2006|12:11 pm]
[Humeur actuelle |accomplishedaccomplished]
[Musique actuelle |The Rosebuds- Bluebird]

Went to the strokes last night, met up with some kids from my past and ARGS kids. I saw him, he was extremely attractive with a shortsleeve pop button shirt on. After the show he asked me if I wanted to come back to his place. Some other people were with us. We got there, only he and i, and one of our other friends was there. She left eventually. He showed his dimples and dashed his eyelashes at me. I touched his nose. He touched mine back. I traced a vein running up his forearm. He traced my shirt sleeve. I kissed his cheek and paused. He kissed me on my lips. We made out. He's an excellent kisser, and he has a beautiful body. He's one of the few guys I've kissed that has the same approach, being gentle. We almost had sex. Our pants were off, he took me to his bedroom. But he said we should slow down. After we kissed some more, I tucked him into bed. Then I left him a note with my number and saying that I crashed on the couch. This morning was a little akward though. I saw him off to work, and shyly said bye. While he was gone, I cleaned up around his house. Dishes, cleaning tables, throwing away trash, tidying up some. Too bad it was only a moment of heat. Hopefully it happens again... I've had a crush on him for 4 years. Finally damnit.
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(pas de sujets) [mai. 15e, 2006|11:46 pm]
[Humeur actuelle |blahblah]
[Musique actuelle |Kate Bush-Hello earth]

i hate this feeling, but i wonder if i actually like it. the torture of wanting something. i lay in bed and think about him. i go to school and see him, i pay him too much attention in class. you'd figure that after 3 years it'd dissapate. but i've realized that growing up, and the apparent change that comes with it is often just a myth. we talked for about an hour sunday morning as he drove me home. more so him than i. because i read into how he'd be acting, and told him somethings. i imagine kissing him, and feeling the most deep bliss. and then i wake up and realize that it was just my mind sliping. there are more important things to worry about, like graduation and college.
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Oh, mes yeux [mai. 8e, 2006|11:36 pm]
man lately has been a time.

prom is this weekend, as is mothers day, as is rehearsal for "Transmogrify" ARGS dance performance. Which I'm in. It's a modern piece, and I get to pretend like it's raining.

nothing is ever as it seems. something i'm having to learn the hard way. what i do enjoy about this time of year is the new beginnings it brings. being a senior and bonding with kids you never knew before. and then again, you also discover other things about friends that you kept close. my senior recital is next month. it should be interesting, i'm thinking about having it at Sycamore Rouge. Candace is my prom date. we're planning on moving in together. oh life.
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my wiccan boyfriend [mai. 8e, 2006|11:26 pm]
[Humeur actuelle |LOL]

Guessing game.

1.my wiccan boyfriend is such a fantastic flamer.

2.he has a big penis.

3.he likes peeing in the girls bathroom because he's too lazy.

4.i just LOVE telling my senior girlfriend about our sexcapades, even though i can see she wants to hurl.

5.i'm really a flaming robot, my current mode is "gay mess".

6.lookey at my new diamond studs, i'm trying to be the next back up dancer for britney spears, even though i look like i'm having a fucking spaz attack when i attempt to dance.

7.please excuse me while i try to hide my insecurities by shopping and really lame stores and wearing nasty glasses i bought at k-mart, and then act as though they're prada.

8.next year, i will be dating a freshman. yay me, everyone will love me, even though i'm a stuck up bitch. excuse me, even though i try to act like a stuck up bitch and really everyone just hates me and talks shit about me...

So, who am I?
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la vie [mar. 27e, 2006|06:51 pm]
[Humeur actuelle |blankwhatever]
[Musique actuelle |Cosí fan futte- Ah, guarda:Fiordiligi,Dorabella]

i've had the best intention of writing a post. lately, live has been the rush toward graduation. it's coming alright, and i've yet to pull things together. enough of that. so i'm 19 now. my birthday was shitty. i won't lie. practically none of my friends called me, especially a specific one who i was supposed to hang out with the weekend before, and who now doesn't answer my phone calls or messages. it was spent with three other people, two of which didn't really want to be there. some friends and i had planned to go to Richmond for dinner plans. the senior dance performance happens, the end has come. we all go out to the parking lot, and all of a sudden, John, Emilia, and Adam aren't going. none of them told me. well actually, Adam out right told me that he wasn't going anywhere we were. apparently something happened between them and Danielle, who was the ring leader of sorts. so my mom had to work, and my dad bought me a cake. and i sat home alone on my birthday, eyeing my cake. alone. crushed because, i guess i believe in humanity a little too much. so this guy came over, we hung out. he left after a while. so i always wonder around my birthday, did i do something to the world? am i an asshole? am i atrociously, disguistingly, ugly? whatever.

have you ever had a list of fuck you's? i have one right now.

dating younger is not the way to go. you end up wanting a libotomy.
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